Jon Holmes: ‘One daughter is funnier than the other, but I can’t say which’

As a kid, Billy Connolly’s Billy and Albert video was never far from the player.

Got to be the instruction manual for my printer. Packed full of jokes like: “Connects seamlessly via the app.”

My daughters, jointly, aged 11 and eight. Actually one is funnier than the other, but I can’t say which one because they are also vengeful.

Black-and-white leopard-print trousers. No leopards died in the making of this fashionable apparel.

You’ve heard of pick-your-own strawberries? In Papua New Guinea, a local tribe took me upriver in a dug-out canoe to pick my own crocodile to eat. It wasn’t so much the meal that was funny as the live crocodile that jumped in the boat. It was only funny afterwards. Not for the crocodile. Sorry, vegans.

In 1986 I decided that Tom Cruise’s short back and sides military haircut in Top Gun was for me. The local barber said it would take a perm to make my hair do that. I foolishly believed him. Looking back, I don’t think he’d seen Top Gun.

That every man, woman and child will not be judged by the … oh, hang on. That was someone else’s.

Nothing will beat the sight of elderly relatives (pre-pandemic) dancing at a wedding singing along to Summer of 69.

Used sparingly and correctly, the “F” one can sprinkle joy and wonder where’er it goes. I also quite like “baboon”.

Boris Johnson saying: “This will all be over by Christmas,” last summer.

Jon Holmes’s series The Skewer is on Wednesdays, 11.15pm, Radio 4 and on BBC Sounds