Name: Labyrinth 2.
Age: It has been in the works for a few years, but a new director has just been announced.
Appearance: That Labyrinth sequel you have always asked for.
I didn’t ask for a Labyrinth sequel. OK, maybe you didn’t, but everyone else did.
No, they didn’t. Of course they did! Labyrinth was a seminal part of 80s cinema. Who wouldn’t want to see Jim Henson revisit the epic world of wonder that captivated our hearts 34 years ago?
You know Henson died, right? Like, 30 years ago? He did? OK, that puts a tiny spanner in things. Still, what an indelible figure David Bowie carved as Jareth the goblin king, perfectly melding his otherworldly stage persona with the needs of a mainstream children’s film. Wouldn’t it be great to see him reprise the role?
You didn’t get the news, did you? Him too? Well, this is a bummer. Is Jennifer Connelly going to be in it, at least? Or those hand monster things?
You tell me. OK, according to the film site Deadline, Labyrinth 2 will be directed by Scott Derrickson, best known for making Doctor Strange. He’ll be working from a screenplay by Maggie Levin, who wrote Miss 2059, a sci-fi series that you almost definitely haven’t seen.
Does that sound good to you? It doesn’t necessarily sound bad. Levin is the creator of a club night called The Rocky Horror Hipster Show, which sounds as if it might be in the Labyrinth ballpark. And Doctor Strange was nicely trippy in places.
But Bowie is dead. Since when has that stopped Hollywood? Haven’t you seen the new Star Wars films? They brought Peter Cushing back from the grave with CGI.
Yes, but he looked terrifying. Maybe we can recast him, then. On Twitter, people have been suggesting that Tom Hiddleston, Gillian Anderson or Janelle Monáe could take the reins as a new goblin king.
Don’t they lack a certain something, though? His mystique? His mesmeric charisma?
No, I mean the gigantic bulge he had down his leggings. If they can reanimate Cushing, I am sure they can stuff something down Anderson’s kecks.
What will this film even be about, anyway? Well, the first film was about a 16-year-old girl’s quest to reach the centre of a giant maze to rescue her brother from a goblin, so the answer to your question is probably “any old nonsense”.
Do say: “They are making an unnecessary sequel to Labyrinth.”
Don’t say: “I can’t wait for Labyrinth 3: Jareth Fully Loaded.”